


>Karkat: Solicit relationship advice from your so-called friends

by MisPronounce_and_MisAccent



Series: troll gay & other concepts [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, F/F, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline, Troll Gay, both relationships are pale/flushed, dumbass pining davekat, established vrisrezi, karkat as the token mlm in his lesbian friend group, takes place after chap 9 of the soapbox but technically you dont have to read that to read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28417881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MisPronounce_and_MisAccent/pseuds/MisPronounce_and_MisAccent
Summary: This goes about as well as you could have expected.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket
Series: troll gay & other concepts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2080941
Comments: 15
Kudos: 52





	>Karkat: Solicit relationship advice from your so-called friends

**Author's Note:**

> hello!
> 
> this is a little side fic of my big project, the soapbox, that takes place after (kind of concurrently with?) chapter 9, if you didnt read that in the tags. if you havent read the soapbox, you should!, but if you have no desire to, real quick run down: 'troll gay' is refers to relationships spanning multiple quadrants, like vrisrezi being both moirails and matesprites; davekat are currently moirails who are doing some mutual (flushed) pining, and dave is out as not-straight.
> 
> thats pretty much it!! hope you enjoy!

KARKAT: I'VE FUCKING DECIDED IT, MY LIFELONG EMBARRASSMENT WAS PREDESTINED BY THE SAME CRUEL DEITY THAT HAS PREWRITTEN EVERY MINUTE DETAIL OF SUFFERING I HAVE EVER FACED, AND I WOULD RATHER DRIFT AIMLESSLY IN THE DREAMBUBBLE VOID THAN TRY TO DEAL WITH THE HAND THEY'VE DEALT ME.  


VRISKA: ... and?  


KARKAT: AND, OBVIOUSLY, I’M THROWING MYSELF OF THE METEOR!  


VRISKA: Oh noooooooo how will we manage?  


TEREZI: T4ST3 ON3 OF TH3 DR34MBUBBL3S FOR M3!  


KARKAT: YOU KNOW, EITHER OF YOU COULD EVER CHECK IN AND MAKE SURE I'M NOT *ACTUALLY* ABOUT TO DOOM MYSELF TO THE SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH OF FREEZING IN THE FUCKING VOID!  


VRISKA: We've... 8een outside on the meteor right? When Dave and Rose first got here?  


VRISKA: I don't really remem8er it 8eing that cold!  


TEREZI: 4LSO K4RK4T YOU DO DO TH1S 4T L34ST ONC3 4 W33K >:/  


VRISKA: It's getting to 8e a 8it of a 'troll who called howl8east' situation.  


KARKAT: 'NO, I WAS HYPERBOLIZING ABOUT THE METEOR THING, THANKS FOR CHECKING IN WITH ME!'  


KARKAT: IF YOU TWO AREN'T GOING TO HELP, WHERE’S KANAYA?  


VRISKA: No w8 we’re really good at listening!!  


TEREZI: Y34H K4RK4T CONF1D3 1N US  


TEREZI: W3 M1GHT 3V3N H4V3 R3L3V4NT 4DV1C3  


TEREZI: 1F TH1S 1S 4BOUT WH4T 1 TH1NK 1T 1S >;]  


KARKAT: EVEN IF EITHER OF THOSE ARGUMENTS HAD BEEN REMOTELY FUCKING CONVINCING, I STILL WOULDN’T TELL YOU!  


KARKAT: SUFFICE IT TO SAY I AM EXACTLY AS MUCH OF A DUMBASS AS EVERYONE EXPECTED AND, IN PENANCE FOR DARING TO BE SO FUCKING DELUSIONAL, I WILL BE THROWING MYSELF OFF THE METEOR.  


KANAYA: Am I Interrupting Something  


TEREZI: JUST 4 K4RK4T-TYP1C4L T4NTRUM  


VRISKA: He’s throwing himself off the meteor, so I’ve heard!  


KANAYA: Any Word On Why  


KARKAT: NO!  


TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK 1TS 4 TOUGH GU3SS >:/  


KARKAT: FUCK OFF, I’M VERY COMPLEX!  


KANAYA: Ah  


KANAYA: Dave  


KARKAT: IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT DAVE!  


KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M TAKING A VOW OF SILENCE.  


KARKAT: HOW ABOUT THAT?  


KARKAT: CAN’T INTERROGATE ME IF I WON’T FUCKING TALK!  


VRISKA: Wow it’s really effective so far!  


KANAYA: Oh  


TEREZI: OH???  


KARKAT: OH FUCK  


VRISKA: Kanaya wh8t does that text say????????  


KARKAT: SOME PEOPLE CAN’T GO A FUCKING SECOND WITHOUT GOSSIPING, CAN THEY?  


KARKAT: ABOUT PRIVATE FUCKING MATTERS!  


KANAYA: The Silence Really Is Deafening  


KANAYA: And I Honestly Dont Know If I Have The Discretion To Say  


TEREZI: >:/  


TEREZI: DO W3 N33D TO G3T HUM4N M4T3SPR1TS TO B3 1N ON TH1NGS?  


KARKAT: OR MAYBE!! PEOPLE’S HUMAN MATESPRITS COULD NOT SHARE PRIVATE INFORMATION THAT ISN’T THEIRS TO SHARE!  


KARKAT: AND MAYBE OTHER PEOPLES MOIRAILS COULD ALSO NOT FUCKING DO THAT  


TEREZI: ST1LL NOT 4BOUT D4V3?  


VRISKA: W8!  


VRISKA: This is—  


VRISKA: 8a8e whats the human word for hating ‘gay’ people?  


TEREZI: HOMOPHOB14?  


VRISKA: This is troll homopho8ia!!  


KARKAT: WHAT.  


VRISKA: Terezi and I are the only troll gays!  


VRISKA: (who have confessed to it, at least ;;;;) )  


VRISKA: And we’re the ones who you won’t tell????????  


KANAYA: Karkat They Have A Point  


KANAYA: I Dont Want To Be Complicit In This Discrimination  


KARKAT: WOW!  


KARKAT: ALRIGHT  


KARKAT: AM I NOT ALLOWED ANY PRIVATE INFORMATION?  


TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK 1TS PR1V4T3 IF FOUR OUT OF S1X P3OPL3 KNOW 4BOUT IT?  


VRISKA: And note those four people are all not troll gay!  


KANAYA: I Believe Troll Straight Might Be The Term  


KANAYA: It Does Seem Targeted Karkat  


KARKAT: SURE! I’M TROLL HOMOPHOBIC!  


KARKAT: WHY NOT!  


KARKAT: I’LL BE FLINGING MYSELF OFF THE METEOR SOON ANYWAY!  


KARKAT: WHY NOT KANAYA? SHE HAS THE INFORMATION TOO THAT SHE IS KNOWINGLY WITHHOLDING, AND SHE’S TROLL STRAIGHT!  


KANAYA: I Believe I Am Considered An Ally To The Troll Gay Community  


TEREZI: Y34H SH3 C4N COM3 TO TROLL PR1D3  


VRISKA: Pride?  


TEREZI: 1TS 4 D4Y ON 34RTH WH3N 4LL HUM4N G4YS G3T TO HUNT TH3 HUM4N STR41GHTS FOR SPORT!  


KANAYA: This Seems Likely  


KANAYA: Knowing The Reception Gay Humans Got From The Overall Society  


KANAYA: Surely This Would Be Why  


KARKAT: DAVE AND I KISSED  


VRISKA: Wow!  


TEREZI: 1 KN3W 1T!  


KANAYA: Does It Feel Better To Say It Out Loud?  


KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? IT FUCKING DOESN’T.  


KARKAT: I HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO PONDER WHILE YOU THREE WERE SAYING ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT AND, ACTUALLY, I STILL WANT TO FLING MYSELF OFF THE METEOR!  


VRISKA: Seems you dodged a 8ullet there Terezi!  


VRISKA: Kissing me isn’t so 8ad that you throw yourself into sp8ce right?  


TEREZI: NOP3!  


KARKAT: THE ISSUE WASN’T THE KISS ITSELF.  


KARKAT: THAT WAS ACTUALLY  


KARKAT: NICE  


TEREZI: GROSS!  


VRISKA: Tmi!  


KARKAT: YOU TWO ARE LITERALLY MAKING OUT RIGHT NOW?  


KANAYA: That Is Their Troll Gay Privilege  


KANAYA: Please Respect Their Rights  


KARKAT: NOT TO ABIDE BY THE INANE FUCKING IDEA OF TROLL HOMOPHOBIA, BUT BY THIS DEFINITION I’D BE TROLL GAY TOO.  


TEREZI: YOUR3 SO BR4V3  


TEREZI: FOR B31NG HON3ST W1TH US L1K3 TH1S  


VRISKA: So it is still pale then?  


KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY  


KARKAT: WE’VE BEEN MOIRAILS FOR A THIRD OF A SWEEP NOW AND I’VE BEEN PALE FOR HIM LONGER  


KARKAT: BUT I’M  


KARKAT: ALSO FLUSHED FOR HIM.  


KARKAT: UGH THIS IS SO FUCKING DUMB!  


KANAYA: No It Is Beautiful Please Go On  


KARKAT: CLEARLY THE ‘TROLL GAY’ THING IS REAL; SEE THE PALE RED CLUSTERFUCK SNOGGING IN FRONT OF US.  


KARKAT: BUT DOESN’T IT STILL FEEL... WEIRD, TO YOU?  


TEREZI: N4H  


VRISKA: My moirail is so fucking hot of course I’m flushed for her!!!!!!!!  


TEREZI: VR1SK4!  


TEREZI: BUT HON3STLY K4RK4T  


TEREZI: OF COURS3 1T W4S W31RD 4T F1RST!  


TEREZI: BUT SH3S 4LW4YS B33N TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT P3RSON TO M3, 4ND OUR R3L4TIONSH1P H4S SP4NN3D BOTH R3D QU4DR4NTS FOR SW33PS B3FOR3 W3 PUT WORDS TO 1T  


TEREZI: 1F W3 H4D N3V3R L3FT 4LT3RN14, TH4T WOULD ST1LL B3 TRU3, B3C4US3 SOC13T4L CONSTRUCT BULLSH1T WOULDNT CH4NG3 TH4T!  


TEREZI: NOT TO M3NT1ON, 4LL TH3 3XP3CT3D COMP3T1T1ON 4ND V1OL3NC3 TH4T WOULD H4V3 COMPLIC4T3D TH1NGS B3C4US3, 1F YOU H4V3NT NOT1C3D,  


TEREZI: OUR CULTUR3 W4S K1ND OF FUCK3D UP!  


TEREZI: UND3RST4ND1NG TH4T M4K3S TH3 W31RD STUFF S33M PR3TTY GOOD >:]  


KANAYA: (Vriska Are You Crying?)  


VRISKA: (No ::::’( )  


TEREZI: 4LSO VR1SK4S HOT SH1T!  


VRISKA: Terezi I love you please kiss and/or pap me right now  


KANAYA: Troll Gay Love Is Beautiful, Is It Not?  


KARKAT: HMM  


KARKAT: I DEFINITELY FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT HIM  


KARKAT: THE PALE-RED THING  


KARKAT: LIKE AS ‘WEIRD’ AS IT IS I’M WILLING TO TRY, BUT FOR SO LONG HE WAS ON AND ON ABOUT ‘NOT BEING GAY’ — EVEN WHEN HE OBVIOUSLY WAS ATTRACTED TO MEN, THERE WAS NO WAY TO MISS THAT ABOUT HIM — BUT THAT WAS CLEARLY SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR HIM TO COME TO TERMS WITH AND I WASN’T GOING TO PUSH HIM!  


KARKAT: BUT NOW THAT HE’S ‘OUT’ — I THINK WAS THE WORD — I WANT TO THINK THAT MEANS THAT HE WOULD BE OPEN TO A MORE FLUSH-TINTED RELATIONSHIP.  


KARKAT: BUT MAYBE I'M JUST BEING GREEDY AND DRAMATIC AND WANTING MORE THAN I SHOULD!  


KARKAT: MAYBE HE DOESN’T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT ME AT ALL!  


VRISKA: He kissed you dum8ass!!!!!!!!  


KANAYA: Yes Let Us Take Some Time To Ponder The Implications Of What Dave Could Have Possibly Meant By Kissing You  


KANAYA: I Feel It May Take Some Time To Crack This Impossible Puzzle  


KANAYA: Would Anyone Like A Snack  


KARKAT: IF TEREZI WANTS A BUG THERE’S A DEAD ONE IN DAVE’S ROOM  


TEREZI: >:[  


TEREZI: TH3YR3 T4ST13R L1V3  


KARKAT: BUT, ASSUMING KANAYA WAS EMPLOYING SOME HUMAN SARCASM, HAVE WE CONSIDERED THAT DAVE AND I ARE TWO SEVEN SWEEP OLDS WHO HAVEN’T KISSED ANYONE IN AGES, IF EVER?  


KARKAT: AND SINCE HE JUST ‘CAME OUT’, MAYBE HE’S JUST  


KARKAT: CURIOUS?  


KARKAT: LIKE CALL ME AN ASSHOLE IF YOU WANT BUT I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE AGREED TO KISS HIM EVEN IF I WASN’T FLUSHED FOR HIM.  


KARKAT: SO IT DOESN’T NECESSARILY MEAN ANYTHING!  


TEREZI: W3 DONT 4CTU4LLY H4V3 TO 3NT3RT41N TH1S, R1GHT? >:/  


KARKAT: UH, AS THE PERSON WHO LISTENED TO *ALL THREE* OF YOU PINE OVER PEOPLE WHO COULDN’T BE MORE OBVIOUSLY FLUSHED FOR YOU, YES YOU FUCKING DO, ACTUALLY!  


KANAYA: ‘Pined’ Might Be A Bit Dramatic  


KARKAT: OH?? YOU DIDN’T PINE, KANAYA?? SO THEN WHY THE *FUCK* WAS I HELPING TRANSLATE YOUR FAVORITE NOVELS INTO HUMAN ENGLISH? IT CERTAINLY WASN'T SO DAVE COULD READ THEM, AND I THIS WAS BEFORE ME AND ROSE EVEN HAD A BOOK CLUB!  


KARKAT: AND FOR THAT MATTER, YOU TWO, WHY WAS I FUCKING LISTENING TO BOTH OF YOU GO ON AND ON ABOUT HOW FUCKING 'COMPLICATED' MOIRALLEGIANCE IS AND HOW YOU DEFINITELY WEREN'T IN BULLSHIT HUMAN LOVE EACH OTHER?  


TEREZI: 1 WOULD 4RGU3 TH4T IN OUR FLUSH3D D3N14L BULLSH1T CONV3RS4T1ONS YOU T4LK3D 4BOUT YOUR S1TU4T1ON 4S MUCH 4S 1 D1D 4BOUT M1N3  


KARKAT: FUCK YOU I'M NOT DONE  


KARKAT: COULD IT BE THAT, MAYBE, I'M A GREAT FUCKING FRIEND WHO WANTS YOU ALL TO BE HAPPY, EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE ALL OBLIVIOUS DUMBASSES? SO, *MAYBE* YOU COULD LET ME BE AN OBLIVIOUS DUMBASS FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE!  


KARKAT: HAVE I NOT EARNED THAT?  


TEREZI: HMM.  


VRISKA: Wh8t's the verdict??  


TEREZI: 4S GR4ND JUDG3 OF OBL1V1OUS DUMB4SS3RY, 1 C3D3 TH3 FLOOR TO YOU.  


KARKAT: OH  


KARKAT: THANK YOU  


KARKAT: ...  


VRISKA: Did you not have anything else to say?  


KARKAT: NO, GIVE ME ONE FUCKING SECOND!  


KARKAT: BESIDES, I HAVE THE FLOOR, YOU SHOULDN'T BE TALKING! IS THERE NOT A PENALTY FOR PEOPLE WHO TRANSGRESS THE RULES OF THE FLOOR?  


VRISKA: I have an in with the judge!  


TEREZI: JUST1C3 DO3SNT STOP FOR LOV3, UNFORTUN4TL3Y >:[  


KANAYA: Admittedly, I Do Not Fully Understand What Happened With Egbert's Retcon, But Isn't Love Superceding 'Justice' Exactly Why Vriska Is Alive?  


KARKAT: WE CAN DEAL WITH THE META IMPLICATIONS OF EVERYONE'S EXISTENCES LATER—  


TEREZI: B3C4US3 R1GHT NOW 1 MUST T4K3 VR1SK4 TO OBL1V1OUS DUMB4SS3RY J41L!  


KARKAT: NO, RIGHT NOW, YOU ALL FUCKING LISTEN TO ME!  


KARKAT: BECAUSE, TECHNICALLY, NOW YOU'VE ALL BROKEN THE RULES OF THE OBLIVIOUS DUMBASSERY COURT FLOOR AND YOU SHOULD AT LEAST TRY TO BE FUCKING QUIET NOW!  


KARKAT: OKAY?  


KARKAT: SO! I  


KARKAT: ...  


KARKAT: OKAY SO I MIGHT HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY.  


KARKAT: BUT ONLY BECAUSE THIS WHOLE BULLSHIT BACK AND FORTH TOOK THE STEAM OUT OF ALL MY STILL COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE AND JUSTIFIED ANXIETIES REGARDING THE DAVE SITUATION!  


TEREZI: YOUR3 V3RY W3LCOM3  


KARKAT: FOR FUCKING WHAT??  


VRISKA: Fixing your anxiety, duh!  


KARKAT: THAT WAS NOT ANY OF YOUR INTENTIONS!  


KANAYA: Karkat, We Have All Been Absorbing A Great Deal Of Rose's Understanding Of The Psyche, I See No Reason Why Our Diversion Could Not Be Exactly For The Purpose Of Temporarily Relieving You Of Said Anxiety  


KARKAT: THE REASON IS, NONE OF YOU HAVE EVER TAKEN ANYTHING SERIOUSLY IN THE ENTIRETY OF YOUR COLLECTIVE LIVES!  


KARKAT: BUT, REGARDLESS  


KARKAT: THANKS.  


TEREZI: OF COURS3 >:]  


VRISKA: Honestly Karkat  


VRISKA: You and Dave are 8oth losers who happen to 8e the ex8ct amount of loser to 8e reeeeeeeeally good for each other! Plus he's really 8ad at hiding shit and he is kind of disgustingly flushed for you.  


VRISKA: You're really just confusing things more than they need to 8e, and you should pro8a8ly just talk to him!!  


KARKAT: YEAH, PROBABLY.  


TEREZI: YOU SHOULD GO DO TH4T!  


KARKAT: NOW?  


KANAYA: Sooner The Better I Would Think  


KANAYA: I Did Tell My Matesprit Around Twenty Minutes Ago That I Was Going To Bring Her Some Water  


KANAYA: As Entertaining As This Has Been Im Going To Go  


KANAYA: Do That  


TEREZI: BY3 K4RK4T  


KARKAT: KANAYA’S THE ONE LEAVING?  


VRISKA: Nope, you too!  


KARKAT: I—  


KANAYA: (Karkat I Am Of The Understanding That The Two Of Them Would Like Time Alone)  


KARKAT: (HUH?)  


KARKAT: (OH.)  


KANAYA: (Yes.)  


KANAYA: Besides You Really Should Talk To Dave  


KANAYA: Rose And I Have Talked About This And Despite Our Respective Immortalities Watching You And Dave Dance Around Each Other Has Begun To Age Us  


KANAYA: I Am Growing Gaunt  


KARKAT: MAYBE THAT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE TRANSLUCENT SKIN AND YOUR STATUS AS A FUCKING RAINBOWDRINKER?  


KANAYA: We Can Have Our Respective Theories  


KANAYA: Alright Rose Messaged Me And She And Dave Have Apparently Finished Their Conversation So I Really—  


KARKAT: DO YOU THINK THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT ME?  


KANAYA: ...Karkat  


KARKAT: SHIT THEY DEFINITLEY WERE.  


KARKAT: THIS METEOR IS BUILT ON PILLARS OF GOSSIP AND OBLIVIOUS BULLSHIT AND GOD FORBID WE MAKE ANY CHANGE TO THAT!  


KANAYA: Would You Like Me To Not Gossip About This With Rose?  


KANAYA: I Can Alter Our Nightly Gossip Itinerary If Doing So Would Suit You  


KARKAT: NO, IT'S FINE.  


KARKAT: ENJOY YOUR GOSSIP DATE.  


KANAYA: And You, Karkat, Enjoy Your Oblivious Dumbassery Date  


**Author's Note:**

> i just think vrisrezi are a gross pda couple but also that they absolutely have the right to be
> 
> ive said this on the soapbox but goddamn it is just so important to me that everyone on the meteor is friends. they all go to each other for advice and gossip about relationships and hang out and cook and read and garden and also do teen bullshit. you read things on the homestuck wiki like 'vriska and karkat dont really like each other' and just!! no!! i hope it comes across here that they really care about each other theyre just both sort of prone to verbal berating the people they care about. its loving bullying!! 
> 
> tangents aside, im not completely happy with this but i like these dynamics enough to put it out there, and i really do hope you enjoyed!! if you feel like sharing, i would always love to hear your thoughts <33 have a good evening!!


End file.
